Self-compassion is about learning to be kind to yourself, in moments of difficulty and moments of suffering. When you have made a mistake, failed or not done as well as you would have hoped, or something is upsetting or worrying you.
It is learning to:
Self-compassion is something that can benefit all members of the school community: pupils, parents and staff.
To find out more, watch Julie's video interview with Liz Worthen, listen to the recording or read the summary below.
We’re probably all aware of compassion, which is being aware of and noticing someone else’s suffering or pain, and having the desire to alleviate it. Wrapped up in compassion is empathy – you notice the pain and understand it.
We all probably want to be compassionate people – but how many of us practice that towards ourselves?
With self-compassion, you’re acting as the good friend, but you’re turning that compassion towards yourself. If you’re suffering, you’re feeling a bit rubbish, you’ve made a mistake or you’ve failed in something – you turn towards yourself, just like a good friend would, and you are caring towards yourself.
Self-compassion is cultivating the skill of being kind to yourself, which then puts you in a better position to take care of yourself. It also enables you to be in a better place cognitively, to solve problems, to manage situations, and to learn from and manage mistakes.
Individuals who practice self-compassion have been found to bounce back more easily from setbacks and are more likely to learn from their mistakes
One of the issues we’re seeing in schools at the moment, and among other caring professionals (such as paramedics, nurses and doctors), is empathy burnout.
Empathy is really important: children need it for developing relationships with others, and it helps us understand someone else’s suffering, put ourselves into their shoes, without being sucked into the quicksand of those feelings, which would be sympathy.
People working in schools often have high levels of empathy, because they’re carers. But empathy is a finite resource, and a lot of people in the caring professions are in danger of empathy burnout. This can result in things like PTSD among paramedics, or in high stress levels.
Self-compassion is being used in the medical and nursing professions in order to support people. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to bring it into schools – not just for the pupils, but for the staff and for the parents – because the parents are getting burnout as well.
So, empathy is a finite resource, but if you practice empathy, and self-care and self-compassion, you reduce the risk of the burnout, and you’re a much healthier, more resilient person.
If you’re in a difficult moment – for example, you’ve made a mistake, you’ve just had a bad report back, you’ve had a stressful day (I’m thinking about children and staff) – and you’re in emotional pain, what do you tend to do?
We tend to resist it, because we don’t like emotional pain, we don’t like the sadness, anger or frustration that comes with it, or we don’t like making mistakes. We might say things to ourselves like ‘you’re such an idiot’ or ‘how could you be so stupid?’.
If you’re cultivating the skill of self-compassion, you’ll notice the emotional pain and you won’t resist it
When you’re in emotional pain and start calling yourself unkind names, you actually activate the sympathetic nervous system, which is linked to fight and flight.
Emotional regulation
We have three emotional regulation systems. The first is the fight and flight system, or the threat system, which is situated in the amygdala. When it’s activated, it releases adrenaline and cortisol. Which is brilliant if you’re crossing the road and a car’s coming towards you, and you need to jump out of the way without thinking.
But when you’re in a moment of emotional pain, you need to be able to think creatively. If you’re cultivating the skill of self-compassion, you’ll notice the emotional pain and you won’t resist it. You’ll go ‘gosh, I’m feeling upset, I’m feeling angry, I’m feeling sad, I’m feeling annoyed with myself’, and you acknowledge it. That’s one key element of practicing self-compassion.
The second emotional regulation system we have is the drive system, the dopamine system. The dopamine system is about moving forward, success, learning, the urge to achieve and develop.
The third system, which we don’t often teach people about, is the soothing system. It’s activated the minute a baby is born and is handed to a parent or carer – the touch will activate the oxytocin system in both the baby and the parent, and that is bonding. That is soothing, connection, and safety.
Touch can activate the soothing system
These three systems are vital for us as human beings. But often as humans we haven’t cultivated the skill of the soothing system.
Three elements
Self-compassion helps us to notice when the threat system is activated, and then to cultivate this soothing system. So, for example, if you’re in a difficult situation, the three elements of self-compassion would be the following.
Stage 1: Mindfulness. This stage is simply about recognising how you’re feeling. ‘Oh, I’m feeling a bit vulnerable’, or I’m feeling a bit sad, or I’m feeling anxious. It’s the noticing which is the mindfulness element, and not resisting it.
Stage 2: Common humanity. When you’re in a difficult situation, to you tend to think that you’re the only person in the world who’s done that thing, or who is suffering at the moment? But when we feel isolated, it reduces our capabilities. We feel lonely. So this step is about realising you are not on your own in this. That’s not the same as saying ‘Pull yourself together, you’re not the only one who’s made a mistake in life.’ It’s common humanity. You are not on your own.
Stage 3: Self-soothing. You might start to do this by placing a hand on your chest, cupping your hands, or giving yourself a hug. Touch can activate the soothing system. This might feel strange or uncomfortable to start with, but it works!
Then you say to yourself what you need to hear right now. It might be something like:
You say things to yourself that a good friend would. Not things like ‘you stupid idiot’, which is often what we do. Because when we’re harsh and self-critical, we reduce our ability to manage the pain, process it or to learn from it.
If we cultivate the skill of self-soothing, we cultivate a better relationship with ourselves.
Happier: individuals are happier, more optimistic, with higher levels of gratitude and experiencing improvement in relationships.
Less stressed: for individuals who are prone to perfectionism, practising self-compassion is found to be a powerful antidote to destructive self-criticism and perfection thinking – which can lead to inappropriate levels of stress, anxiety and depression.
Resilience: individuals who practice self-compassion have been found to bounce back more easily from setbacks and are more likely to learn from their mistakes. This is a key link to a growth mindset.
Key researchers and practitioners in self-compassion:
See also the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.
